nothing, nothing, nothing

diary entry from nowhere

("Nothing changed", "Nothing happened")

Forever, here, is a long time, certainly, but also the only measure of time: seconds lop upon seconds as they become hours, maturing into days, seasons, years, infinitely expanding, retracting: each moment is a holon, a whole in and of itself, as well as a part of a larger whole: somebody once said something vaguely poetic about this to me; it’s long forgotten, but when did I learn to forget— in the morning there is an absence beyond absences, such lack is wont to manifest physically, an unshapely form, an unpleasant ringing, a visual migraine— in the evening I am alone, an absence beyond absences, I am nowhere, in that place beyond places, doing nothing, naturally, no thing, no where, at any given time: waiting for something profound to happen to me but I can’t recall what so I guess I’ll stick around a while longer, watch a cloud pass (are there still clouds— I used to remember what a cloud looks like, I used to read books, I used to see my friends, I used to taste, I used to touch, I used to think) I think about where in the positive sense, I think about the places I used to visit, I think about the negation of my present situation: it’s a useless endeavour; I exist outside of memory and touch and smell and taste and sight and mind and it goes like this: I am here— nowhere— in this place beyond places, my life force filled endlessly because He is here with me and I know this because I Am; it’s the directionless space in which we find ourselves forever, frictionless space without footing, above, below, forwards, backwards, so it goes: it’s the nothingness that excites us and pumps blood through our veins, it’s nobody that we embrace, no one because conceptualizing more than one is a paradox, so it goes: it’s the nothingness in which we are loved, it’s the undefined spaces inaccesible to us in which we are detained, hostages embracing their gun-pointing captors forever, gently held like Mary.

("Nothing changed", "Nothing happened")